Dearest, darling, conveniently single, breathtakingly hot, galactically renowned Britney: Need a date, sweetie? Or a capital-R-type Relationship? Someone I know—i.e., moi—happens to be available.
Am I worthy? Let me count the ways via Britney: Piece of Me—Planet Hollywood’s high-production spectacle in which you’re a winged angel swamped by vampires; perform inside a ring of fire; gyrate atop a rolling pyramid; leap off a giant prop tree under a sheet of water; sprint down a spiral staircase; lead a dude around in a BDSM harness; and prance amid oversize spinning wheels, framed by massive video screens and backed by dancers so energetic they must be powered by generators.
Plus two dozen hits.
Those hits, Brit-babe—they predict our love affair. Allow me to elucidate:
“Work Bitch”: I’ll work for your affections, but when you sing, “You wanna Lamborghini? / Sip martinis? / Look hot in a bikini?” … Will you settle for two out of three?
“Womanizer”: Fear not, fairest Britney. Assuming you don’t mean I should enter some machine that turns me into one, the only woman I’d “womanize” is you.
“Boys”: What do you say, honey? “I feel like I’ve been wanting you all my life / You don’t understand, I’m so glad / We’re at the same place at the same time.” Now we’re cookin’, cookie.
“Do Somethin’”: Is it an invitation when you sing, “I see you lookin’ at me / Like I got what you need / Get up out of your seat”? Wow. I didn’t even have to spring for dinner at Olive Garden. Let’s grab some grub at my place.
“Gimme More”: How’s it taste? “Gimme gimme more / Gimme more / Gimme gimme more / Gimme more.” If I’d known you were this hungry, I’d have made more meat loaf.
“Toxic”: “Intoxicate me now / With your lovin’ now / I think I’m ready now.” … Apparently not.
“Get Naked (I Got a Plan)”: Give me about 0.68 seconds. Or do you need me to hurry?
“I’m a Slave 4 U”: I’m into it, but can we use fur-lined cuffs? I chafe.
“3”: You dig threesomes? “Three is the charm / Two is not the same / I don’t see the harm / So are you game?” Fine, but let’s cap it there. Otherwise we’d need an octopus as a traffic cop.
“Freakshow”: “Freakshow, freakshow / We can give ’em a peepshow, peepshow.” I suppose we won’t be capping it at three.
“ … Baby One More Time”: Have mercy, woman! One more time and I’ll need a double hip replacement. We should end this. No, don’t cry!
“Everytime”: “Everytime I see you in my dreams / I see your face, it’s haunting me / I guess I need you baby.” Weep not, dearest, darling, breathtakingly hot, galactically renowned Britney. We’ll have our second date.
Oops … I said it again.
Planet Hollywood Resort 9 p.m. Aug. 26 & 28-29, Sept. 2, 4-5 & 9, starting at $59 plus tax and fee. 800.745.3000 Ticketmaster
