Assuming we can call the Oval Office occupant the Tweeter-in-Chief, how shall we address the lady who owns a pair of social media’s most supersonic thumbs: Tweetress-in-Chief? Perhaps just Cher will do.

While her scorched-earth political tweets often burn up her Twitter feed like a raging bonfire, even Cher’s non-ideological bon mots can heat up the Twitterverse. Let’s tiptoe through a selection of her tweet treats (reprinted emoji-less, but otherwise reproduced right down to the Cher-esque grammar, punctuation, spacing and caps-mania). On Twitter, Cher, we’re especially glad to have you, babe:

•“ipad freezing up! Maybe it’s overwhelmed, because it Just realized A fabulous DIVA Was touching it! Can’t really Blame it, ‘SNAP OUT OF IT’” (How Moon-stricken of her.)

•“NEED EXTRA YARDS 2COVER NEWLY AQUIRED BUTT!! WORKING 2GET BACK 2 MY CANTALOUPE BUTT!!” (Good way to shame those of us with papaya butts.)

•“LOST MY MIND,& DID WHAT I DO EVERY 1-2 YEARS, & IM NOT PROUD,EITHER JACK IN THE BOX 2TACOS LARGE MALT ONION RINGS & FRENCH FRIED” (Make way—watermelon butt comin’ through. … Maybe even pumpkin butt.)

•“Twizzlers SUCK! TASTE LIKE RUBBER/PLASTIC/PETROLEUM/SLUDGE/CLOWN SHOES” (Some endorsement deals just aren’t meant to be.)

•“OMG!! STUDY SAYS PEOPLE WHO USE EMOJI A LOT, ARE HAVING MORE SEX ‘AND’ ARE YOUNGER JUST SAY’N” (This missive included NINE emojis-just sayin’.)

•“I got a colonic.” (That’s when she was asked how she celebrated Madonna’s birthday. Hope she signs a deal to write Hallmark cards.)

•“I FEAR I SHALL GO 2 MY (grave) HAVING NEVER WON,1 LOUSY GAME OF CLUE” (Don’t sweat it, babe: Madonna did it in the boudoir with a sex toy.)

•“The Man Has a Vocabulary The Size of a Fruit Fly’s …” (She finished the anatomical analogy. We won’t. Be happy she couldn’t find an emoji to illustrate it.)

•“Just cause i cant spell or know Grammar doesn’t mean i don’t know Many things! HISTORY, Ancient Religion,War,Could go on,but id b a pain !” (Hey, you’re an inspiration babe—we intend to write all future stories in our new official language: Cher-glish.)

•“Is anyone in Santa Barbara!Rachel Maddow speaking ! I wish I could go but maybe left cheek looks 2 much like blow fish! Small blow Fish” (Don’t fret babe. Compared to you, most of the rest of the world looks like anteaters.)

•“IM NOT YELLING…IM CHER” (WHEN ASKED WHY SHE’S ALWAYS YELLING!!!!!)

•“What’s the matter with old ppl? ARE CAPS KRYPTONITE 2THEM DONT B FRIGHTENED TIMID PPL...CAPS WONT HURT U.CAPS ARENT PC” (so sorry babe please don’t be mad at me I apologize a billion trillion times please please forgive me.)

•“Nothing like Being lashed 2chair For 70 Hrs,& Forced 2 Do 6 Million Interviews Actually ppl were smart/Nice,Im aToad” (As a professional interviewer, thanks for the props, babe. And yes … some of us are toads, too. Well … not moi.)

•“I AM OLDER THAN FIRE,AND TWICE AS HOT !!!” (Can you loan that to AARP as its new motto?)

By the way: We hear it’s not only Cher’s tweety-thumbs that command attention. Reportedly, she also wields a pretty potent singing voice. You’ll hear them when she wraps those thumbs around a microphone. Now let’s give Tweety Cher the last word:

•“Later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

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