Lisa Lampanelli

Occupation: Comedian, performing at The Venetian on Feb. 7

What kind of handbag? I have awesome expensive purses at home and I never use them. I use my $12.99 tote from Fale. What am I? Some celebrity who needs to change their bags? I’m so low maintenance, it doesn’t matter. I have one in every color. I wore this on the red carpet once. People are like, “What’s Fale?” No, it’s Yale. I went to Yale. I had them print “Fale” as a joke.

What does your handbag say about you? That I want to be comfortable. I want to be a regular person who fits a lot of crap and it’s not too heavy. If you ever notice, nice bags are heavy empty. I think my bag says, “I’m 53 years old and my arm hurts.”

What’s the most important thing in your handbag? The big three things are Blistex, because I always have chapped lips. Dental floss, because I always eat and get something in my teeth because I eat really fast and I love food that has a lot of black in it. There’s always an oregano hanging here or pepper there. And my third thing is a hairbrush, because I have the short hair now and if my hair gets out of place, I look like a lesbian in five minutes.

How about the most surprising thing? Let me see. What I have a lot of is fabric tape. I don’t like to show cleavage because I’m modest. I went through my talking about sex phase in my 40s. It was all exaggerated because I don’t even like sex and I don’t know how to do it well. I used to have some cleavage back then. Now I feel like it’s undignified, so I tape my Spanx to my bra and my pants.

I have chocolate. I always have a little piece of chocolate. Just because I lost weight doesn’t mean I don’t have a sweet tooth. So this little candy bar has “Superstar” on it because they didn’t make my name.

What was the first handbag you carried that was memorable? My first rich people moment was in Vegas. I was feeling like I’d finally made it. I went with my mother’s best friend in the world. We went to The Forum Shops at Caesars because she loves to look but not buy. “I think rich people shop there.” We went to Gucci and I bought this Gucci tote, that one that has the “Gs” and a scarf woven through the top. It was the most beautiful thing. I still have it. I love it so much. Oh, and a matching wallet. My dad about died when he heard the price of it. I said, “Dad, but I earned it.” That was the first time I became a rich bitch. Ten years later I’m just like, “There’s my tote bag. It’s $12.99.”

Name 13 items in your handbag and why you must carry them:

1. Ironic. I have the $800 wallet from Gucci. It does convert into an evening bag. I might be ghetto on the outside, but inside I’m fabulous.

2. I love this. It’s a little flashlight because I’m old and blind and have to read menus in the dark.

3. Here’s chocolate.

4. Here’s a nail file.

5. Tide stick. Messy.

6. I’ve recently done a bold lip with the MAC lipstick and liner. Both limited edition!

7. Autograph pen, because God forbid I get stopped every minute.

8. Matches, because you do go to the bathroom.

9. Deodorant stain remover.

10. Beef stick, because I eat tons of protein now. You can only eat tiny amounts.

11. Lotion.

12. I got on this kick where I was putting hair chalk in my hair. My favorite color is Tiffany blue.

13. MiOs. I have to drink 64 ounces of water a day and water is so gross.

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